Hi bluedog, just wanted to pop by before bedtime to encourage you. I'm also trying to work on the boundaries thing with both my (adult, twin) daughters and my eldest - and now only surviving - sister.
Have recently acquired a new sponsor after a year or more of not having one; he's ancient, both in real life terms (80+!) and sobriety (37 years!). But he's the first one I can talk to about this kinda stuff without insinuating or saying outright - as some in the rooms do - that I'm the problem. Because that's exactly the line my family members take, and it's doing my head in, and has done for years.
This is a big relief to me, and helps me to feel there's hope I can stay sober for good this time around. One thing he's got me doing, literally only today and tomorrow before meeting up with him to discuss: he said 'write out your Sh**^t List, all of it, about who and what you're upset / angry / resentful etc etc'. So essentially, a 4th Step I guess. But I expect - and know, deep down - that some of his response will likely be around 'ok, so why are you letting them into your head like this? And keep letting them stay there?!' I figure that getting my sanity and authenticity and self-love going for the first time in many decades will absolutely require me to face this stuff, and to identify then accept (sheesh! eek!) that this is how they are, and that I can't make 'em different just by wishing they were. Just as they can't push me to be different / the way they want me to be, just because they want it.
Sorry to sound muddled, but I so understand what you're going through. And yeah, let's keep ourselves sober and a bit sane until we can achieve some clarity and cleared ground between us and our family members, eh?