ShootingStar xx
Wow... lots of food for thought here... thank you so much for your reply and for sharing your journey with me as well.. I will catch myself up with your story for sure. You make so many important points about co-dependency and sharing your lessons learned just reinforce my 'healthy' decision to back away ... favourite quote I've seen on SR was " back away and keep your hands off the addict".... lol... that made so much sense to me and brought humour to a really un-funny situation. (Humour is so healing) and your questions are so vital for my recovery (and everyone struggling with getting enmeshed with others issues too deeply- losing one self in another's turmoil- the WHY we do that is so very important to explore and acknowledge. Hopefully giving us an awareness about ourselves that might need some adjusting!
You said:
“The common denominator in the other situations is you. You did not cause any of the dysfunction, yet you got deeply involved in the other people's struggles to either deal with their situation, or to let it become worse. From looking back at your role in their lives, you might be able to ask yourself some questions that will inform your future choices.
Most of your initial post is about other people's lives, and the profound and destructive influence on and presence in your life their bad choices had. Your focus is outward on how their difficult, even crazy, actions escalated in destroying your own life. “
This is very very true (common denominator) I have often thought to myself what is my role in all this? I have taken the time to do the gruelling and ugly work of searching myself, my beliefs, my conditioning, my personality... everything I thought necessary to come up with honest answers that will help me make better future choices.
I have come up with that I was naïve to what mental illness really is. That there is sometimes not enough inner strength that a person can draw on solely to fix a chemical imbalance, deep childhood abuse, long term addiction or whatever it is that has either caused the dysfunction or contributing to it.. (and some people are just born sociopathic) I believe in learning from experience and because I could not feel the great depths of depression or other illnesses I was of the mindset that you should be able to pick yourself up and keep moving. (yes very naïve) After experiencing deep grief/anxiety and pure panic. I NOW understand. (experience is everything)
There is no doubt that the death of my sister and the events that followed opened my eyes to this. GUILT is a major factor in why I got enmeshed in many of the situations. I always thought that my sister was partying too much... and her decisions and choices were what was making her life unravel... boy did I get a rude awakening... mental illness certainly contributed to her poor decision making, choices and self-medicating. I got to see this up close and personal in the last 6 years with the other people who did not necessarily destroy my life but certainly destroyed my peace drastically for a time. It was an intense time of learning and I don't think I would have learned a damn thing if these events did not happen to me. I survived them gratefully and have no regrets for my involvement I am still learning to love, be helpful but do not get sucked into anyone's vortex again. Refer, refer, refer others to professional help and step away... but with loving concern.
The neighbour situation was dreadful... definitely an experience with a true sociopath/ in addition with other disorder. My first experience after my sister. This woman played or preyed on my vulnerabilities big time. I learned a lot about manipulation and how people can play with your feelings of guilt and fear to their selfish advantage. Sucky lesson to learn. I was so naïve to everything… my role in this situation was I was terrified of not helping more with someone that was in crisis. (yes directly related to the loss of my sister) guilt, guilt, guilt at play here… this neighbour knew this and took advantage of my vulnerability… I didn’t even realise what being vulnerable meant… but now I know…
My friend with BPD was a by choice decision (I’ve known her for a very long time and yes there was some guilt playing out as well but mostly I cared very much for her wellbeing.) The incident that happened was unlucky for me to witness but I don’t think I was anymore than being a friend to her at that time. (again this was an eye opener to the depth of how mental illness plus drugs and/or alcohol can distort a person’s reality and decision making so deeply to want to harm themselves and inadvertently harm those around them.) I definitely wasn’t trying to fix her and wasn’t greatly enmeshed with her recovery however I was a part of it. She did call on me lots and tried to get me more involved than I allowed… (I was slowly learning to back away with love) I am happy to have been a friend to her during her crisis/s and to see her thriving now (not without occasional relapses) it’s a real hope that we don’t have to completely walk away from those causing us distress. Learning to be mindful of personal safety and mental wellbeing for ourselves first. This incident has left its mark on me for sure but it has also given me a better understanding of my sister and her lack of control. I can’t possibly be angry with her and I know that nothing I or anyone else could have changed her mind in the state she was in. What she needed was urgent hospital intervention. Nobody in a healthy mind set would do that and a healthy mind would have the foresight to know the devastating ripple effect a decision like that has on loved ones. My BPD friend told me the same thing about herself after we talked about it and she was properly medicated.
My XABF is a different story however many of the same behaviours at play still on my part. Love is blind…. I do understand that now. Romantic Love can cover up a number of human faults… I adored him and was in denial that his issues were something I couldn’t handle (or control in some way) and because they were revealed slowly it was harder to just go wait a minute I’m out of here… lol… I still adore him but can’t be with him if he is not in recovery or even trying. (thanks to SR and people on here that confirm this to me) I wanted a BF/partner and was willing to look away for a while… denial… selfishness (because me buying him things, paying some bills, driving him places and comforting him was NOT helping him, it was me buying a BF- ugh sad and honest truth…
sigh … not even one that was capable of reciprocating… ) He has a lot of potential and its heartbreaking.
ShootingStar you said this-
“When I was married to him, without much self-awareness, I believed that my job was to fix his life because that was more important than living my own life. After the initial shock of leaving him suddenly, and realizing how devastatingly destructive his behaviour had been to me, and how damaged I was, and how much blame he deserved, I went into a second stage of introspection” –
Everything you have said after that was incredibly familiar. I did the same but for only 1 ½ years and how quickly I did that is boggling. 20 years for you! xo It’s not an easy journey to self-awareness and how confronting it can be when we realise that we may actually contribute to our unhappy realities.
Admitting we have a contributing problem too is a good first step to recovery for ourselves.
My upbringing and childhood influences no doubt play a large part here as well… but I would be writing forever explaining that…
- SORRY THIS IS SO LONG AGAIN!
