Day 7
Hi all,
Just on Day 7 of no booze. It's been bloody hard but lurking here has kept me going. Until now and now I need to post. I felt little moments of joy over the weekend - I went outside and spent time with the dog exploring a creek which felt great - jumped in .... cold murky water. Lots of fun. Going back to being a kid again - remembering how much fun happens without booze. Actually the most fun in my life has been without booze.
My partner is a very angry person. Our relationship has been stormy to say the least. He's never hit me but I think he grew up seeing his dad do that to his mum. Whenever he communicates a 'negative' emotion, he raises his voice, or yells. And he has no awareness he is. And when I tell him he is raising his voice, he yells and goes THIS IS ME RAISING MY VOICE. If you get my meaning.
I used to drink whenever we had a fight. It made it all go OK. I was like, alcohol is my refuge and now I can forget about it and we can continue on in our relationship like nothing happened. Thing is, I've been doing that for about 2 years now. Yup, alcohol was why I kept dating him through the fights pretty much. I mean, otherwise I'd have not been able to forgive some of the stuff he has said.
My dad used to hit me. He once told me that he could see why men in the past have hit me, because I put them in the position to. (I've had previously abusive boyfriends).
I feel like no booze (I know...it's only Day 7 :/) has started to shift some really massive things. Like, I told him today that I hoped we could come to a 50/50 agreement where when I did something that frustrated him he could pause and maybe think about NOT raising his voice, to bring it up. He told me I needed to see a psychologist.
I realise maybe I've been frustrating to live with due to drinking loads over 2 years. He doesn't know how much cos I've been hiding it. He doesn't know how bad the detox was for me (I ended up getting a tummy bug which caused me to stop at the same time coincidentally and I just rolled on with not drinking).
But I can't put up with being treated like that anymore. It's like my standards are higher or something. I love him with all my heart - we are great together, but communication and feeling safe to is pretty darn important isn't it?
Sober Recovery - a simple name for an immense beast I am ill-equipped to handle but taking it one step at a time. Thanks for letting me share. Much appreciated.