Yep. I remember that stuff. And more. Ghastly.
Things can change, and if you can make a plan, and stay sobriety they will change, and when you have some recovery, and have built some confidence in using your sobriety plan, then you will be able to start cleaning away the wreckage of your past.
At the moment all this probably seems quite impossible. I remember thinking (for a long time) that I needed everything sorted out SO I could get sober. It was when I finally conceded that I needed to get sober so that I could, do THEN get everything sorted out that I started making some progress.
Why not make a start today. Look up the AA and SMART and whatever other facilities are available to you in your area. Maybe call the helplines for them and chat to them and find out more. There is a great link on here for making sobriety plans, which I'd suggest reading and starting tk make a plan if you haven't already done so.
My top tips would be to take one day at a time (look after tomorrow when it comes) and avoid the HALT triggers. These are Hunger-Anger-Lonely-Tired. My plan actually started with a list of what I would do to (a) avoiding those things, and (b) What to do if I actually WAS any of those things. Also, keep reading and posting in here. Stay close and immerse yourself in sobriety.