Linnie

I just signed back on after a long, long time and I feel just awful. I was sober from 7/30/2013 to December 2014. I've been drinking just as heavily as I ever was for the past year and 4 months. I made a half-hearted attempt to get back on track once during that time, but I didn't follow through.

I'm just disgusted with myself and my drinking. My husband and I drink together, we're enablers for each other. He was very supportive the first time I quit drinking and I know he will be this time as well. It's definitely not his fault I drink, he had a long conversation with me the day I started drinking again. Which makes it feel even worse. I had a conversation about it and still decided to relapse. For a year and a half. Luckily we don't have any pets or kids, so we're really just harming ourselves.

I know the feelings of shame and guilt and anxiety I feel right now are chemical reactions to the alcohol, the morning after shame spiral, but it just feels so low. I was so proud of myself when I wasn't drinking. I was happy and thin and healthy. Now I'm depressed and ashamed and disappointed in myself. Also bloated and puffy from the booze. I had quit smoking as well and relapsed on that, too. I just want to be the me I was in 2014.

I really counted on the support of this forum the first time, and I'm so grateful for all the folks here.

Has anyone had a serious relapse? Any advice on how to forgive myself?