Like Dee, my relationship with alcohol was the longest I ever had. I have gone through the same feelings as you. But funny thing, I have had some of those moments where it seemed I HAD to have alcohol...my first balloon ride with champagne toast, a birthday, an afternoon on a patio with friends. I declined and had juice or pop and guess what? I still have the most fabulous memories and they are even better because I didn't drink. And my liver and heart are so much happier too....no more liver pains, no more heart arrythmia, no more shame.