Hi, friends.
I am still here.
You know, it appeared way to harder as I thought to re-wire myself into a gameful state of mind. Stop looking at every bump on the road, as a tragedy. Stop carrying the world on my shoulders. Honestly it evokes very bitter feelings - so many years stolen from me because like a proverbial Atlas I've been standing with the burden being mortally afraid to make a non-approved move and believing that the world will crash. It will not. And realizing this I often feel this helpless anger. Raving anger.
Don't hurry to attack anger though. Anger can be good - if treated properly it can lead to the source of pain where it fountains from.
I still beat myself up on a daily basis - for not being "enough". Productive "enough", organized "enough", beautiful "enough", successful "enough"... Enough, enough, enough...
I am still up to my ears in debts - paying it out but past mistakes have a very pricy tag.
Today I stopped for a moment and thought that probably I have something I can say to myself "good for you".
I've come across a great quote the other day , that it is not outcome per se that counts most, but the quality of effort put into achieving this.
Quality of effort.
So, what is my quality of effort today? Is it better than yesterday?
Though this nasty voice keep chiming in immediately with unsolicited comments: "Oh, here we go. Some smart arze told you about quality of effort. If you are so smart, why are you still in such an financial ar$$$?"
Emotions have been roller coaster lately . Crying, depression, catching the thread of hope which keeps sleeping away. Panicking in emotional darkness. Doubting myself.
At present my quality of effort is about building up values which can not be taken from me. Like my boxing - not because of boxing, but because it helped to develop traits of character I was never aware of. And now they are just part of my reality. Even if the world collapses, they are still part of me.
Writing. The same. Even more. It less dependent on physical health.
Both activities are emotionally hard because there is no direct circuit "action - society approved benefit". Quite the opposite, I'd say.
So, my efforts for this weekend:
- wake up at 5 a.m. , just like on any other day of the week;
- 20 minutes of meditation - just on any other day of the week;
- about 10 minutes of my morning exercises to warm me up and set in the right mood for the day: 3 minutes of plank, 10 push ups, 10 squats, 5 minutes of boxing moves. Just like on any other day of the week.
- Then a cup of tea, and straight to my writing projects.
- Healthy breakfast.
- More on my projects.
- Taking care of errands.
- Preparing healthy meals for the upcoming week. I always bring my lunch to work.
- 2 hours boxing workout yesterday.
- Planning for the upcoming week.
- Apartment cleaning;
- Staying within the budget for groceries shopping.
- Did I forget something? Probably.
Looking at this list my logic says that I deserve a couple of "good for yous'.
And still the hardest part is to silent this smirking invisible non-existing jerk who poison-talks "And? What's the point of all this? ".
Hugs to all.