SO... back to our regular programming.
This thread was/is doing me some good. I do have ups and downs and just try and stay on an even keel until I go for these tests. I do know that not only waiting for results will be a difficult time but also that when I get the details, I fear another total crash in self esteem.
I think anyone would feel not too great about it... I also have a very abusive upbringing with a lot of nasty things said to me by the very people who were supposed to love me, reinforced by my peers for many years and in adulthood- the exclusion from things and people, like at work- as I mentioned previously. So getting the details about this situation, which has already affected me negatively in pretty serious ways- it's going to be hard not to feel hopeless without some real support. And I don't have that kind of thing from family so I am on my own as far as that goes.
This is probably one of the biggest things, maybe the biggest thing I have taken on my whole life.