Hi Mia,
Me too. Was sober for over 2 years and then relapsed for 2 weeks. Then sober for a week and drank again. My relapse wasn't any sort of slow progressing, trying to moderate first exercise but horrible binges from start, very quickly progressing into drinking quantities of alcohol that I had rarely drunk even towards the end of many years of active alcoholism. Like you, I also had thoughts of suicide but did not act on it. I imagine that I could have killed myself "simply" with drinking though, maybe sooner rather than later. I decided to stop it and am now trying to build a recovery regimen again.
The anxiety and panic you are describing sounds familiar. I did my relapse in the middle of one of the most stressful work periods that I can anticipate for this year and it's very challenging to find ways to relax now. My suggestion to you though is that if you feel in acute danger on your trip, find a doctor, ER, or anything that could help immediately. Are you traveling alone or in company? If you are with someone else you trust, talk to them about your feelings. Check in here often. I really sympathize with you but let's stick with the idea that if we don't drink, things will improve a bit every day
