Hi everyone,
I am here and alive... Yesterday I did not check in, I am sure you can guess why. But now I've decided no matter how hard right now, the drinking has to be over, and now! So this is my Day 1. It feels very weird to write that but I think I benefit from reminding myself every day of the significance of this relapse for a while at least.
Thanks so much for all the loving and insightful responses, I really appreciate it. To be honest, I am a bit astonished reading the responses, like I can't believe how people relate to me and my experience here in spite of seeing it all the time on SR. I need to allow myself to let it in instead of isolating, but it's a bit hard right now.
And yes, I definitely think that my relapse was a choice, my own deliberate conscious, destructive choice. No matter the circumstances and triggers, I decided to go back to drinking. I'm glad that I did not let myself get too lost in it and for this I must thank SR, because even when I was drunk recently, I kept thinking about many of the stories I read here over time, stories about relapses that ended at a worse place than before the first quit.
What I've experienced in this drinking spell: my reactions to alcohol did not change a bit, even my tolerance did not decrease, I could polish off a liter of vodka a day just like before I first quit. That's a lot for a woman my size. And then the same terrible hangovers (like today). It was also very similar in a sense that I did not really enjoy the drinking beyond maybe the first hour of it each time, being drunk made me very delusional and crazy with very extreme thoughts and emotions all over the map. And then the cravings... now I'll need to battle those again, that's the most difficult part for me. I never tend to crave alcohol on the first day after a binge, but as soon as I feel better, it's like all day is a giant craving.
I think I will need to do something differently this time in terms of recovery methods. The first time I mostly used SR, occasional AA meetings, and therapy later on. I want to have more f2f support this time and get involved in it more intensely than before because I seriously feel that my willpower is close to zero when those cravings hit. I think I will try SMART meetings and AA, see which ones I benefit more from, maybe do both. And will go back to the psychiatrist I found a few weeks ago and try his suggestions to hopefully make my mental state more stable, because right now it's everything but stable. And then therapy, which I never stopped and really love to do. In fact, I must be very grateful for my therapist because he has been very involved and helpful during this recent phase, talked to me, gave me suggestions, observations, encouragement etc even when I was drunk, I emailed him a lot drunk. Actually, one of his specialties is helping addicts but we never used this part of his skills very much in the past since I was doing well in terms of recovery. So now I'll see how he treats active addiction.
I definitely think that I have neglected my recovery in the last few months, and that was also a choice no matter how I was distracted by other life events. So if this relapse has provided any lesson, it is this lesson, now first hand, to never underestimate the power of this addiction and do not stop taking care of myself in this domain.
One main part of the relapse was seeing what I was doing to my husband, who has kept being supportive and trying to help any way he could. But then I would often ignore it/him. One thing I started doing, which I never did before with a partner, was hiding my drinking. Of course, how efficient can it be to hide it in a domestic relationship? Seeing him so sad and helpless was one of the worst parts of it. I found him yesterday crying alone in his room while I was in mine sneaking vodka. I can't even imagine how awful it must have been for him especially given that his first wife died of drug addiction many years ago. I'm glad that my relapse did not progress as far as not caring about his pain at all, but with the speed it has been progressing since I first picked up, I think I would get there soon.
Anyway, so yes the madness definitely needs to stop. It's not going to make it easier that the coming couple months will be a very stressful period at work with lots of important projects and deadlines, and I can't delegate a lot of it. But probably this is going to help retain a sense of responsibility. I definitely don't feel that I am in any sort of denial about my drinking or that I romanticize the binges. It's those hellish cravings that make it difficult to stay sober now and I anticipate it will last for a while. Well, I can apply my skills I developed first time to ride the cravings, I certainly has not been doing any of that recently.
Again, thanks so much for all the care and wonderful responses, I truly appreciate it!
