Melki, are you seeing a therapist? Because I really think you must learn to believe in yourself. You've been through a lot and sometimes we need help. I saw therapists on n off for yrs. Some helped me a lot, others, not so much. I know what it feels like to feel like an elephant is sitting on your chest. It's anxiety and yes, a xanax will make it go away...for awhile and you need more more to get the same results. And, then yrs down the line, your entire brain chemistry has changed and you pretty much don't care about anything anymore. You're suffering from depression and very low self esteem. I've been there too and its not a good place to be. But, you need to take positive steps to help yourself. Write them down, right along w/your recovery plan. Steps like, call & make an appt. w/an addiction counselor or psychiatrist, go to appt, eat better, learn yoga, listen to soothing music, color adult coloring books, read a good self help book, meditation, start walking, etc. You're doing a great job staying connected here and seeking support. Also, plz remember the recent biological changes your body has gone through, which makes your feel like you're on a rollercoaster. Things will get better. Hang in there. (( Hugs ))