Originally Posted by
theuncertainty 
Sending hugs, WTBH.
It's so hard. And, frankly, terrifying, feeling stuck in that loop. AXH did the same stuff. He'd bail on his scheduled times and then demand to see DS *now*, it was part of his weekend. I *knew* that the agreement outlined when he was supposed to see DS, and what his not showing meant, but it was still so hard to hear that over AXH's constant barrage of self-entitlement, threats to take DS so I'd never see him again, complaints of me unreasonably keeping DS from him.
It takes so much courage to stand up. And it can be so hard to access that courage after leaving an abusive partner.
The first few times I stood up and told AXH "no" to his last minute changes to the schedule were overwhelmingly panic-inducing, but it did get easier. I slowly started to understand that not everyone believed AXH. Even now after the court took away his visitation rights, I'm still a bit afraid of that: that he'd tell them that I was a terrible mom and refusing to let him see DS at all, and they'd believe him.
I'd spent so long having him subtly reinforce that his desires outweighed anything else, that what he said *now* was all that mattered, I was basically conditioned to just do what he said. His rages when I didn't do what he wanted (even if he never came out and said what he wanted) were part of that.
I hope you see how strong and courageous you are, even when you bend, and (especially) when you don't. Wishing you and your DD a safe, lovely, joy-filled birthday. You both deserve it. ((((hugs))))
This is exactly me-- all of it-- I feel trapped and scared and to be totally honest, Ive had very very little contact with him recently... I talk only about visitation stuff and only in writing. I thought if I changed MY part of the dance, that he would stop finding pleasure in causing chaos and bullying (bc this nonsense around wanting me to never make plans and never know if or when he might show is nothing but controlling and bullying for him). But it hasn't stopped at all. He is bound and determined to make things hellish for as long as the kids are minors.
Our parenting plan was final a year and a half ago and has ELOBORATE steps that deal with sobriety and that was most important to me for the kids sake.
One sacrifice I had to make was leaving the visitation piece much more vague than I wanted with nothing explicitly stated in there about what happens IF and WHEN he does not show.
I just feel overwhelmed and trapped and don't even have a legal document that explicitly states that I can and have the right to not be put through this.