Originally Posted by
silentrun 
I wasn't a pure scapegoat in her game. I was sometimes golden child, sometimes parent, sometimes scapegoat.
I had my moments of being the golden child, too. Or her trying to force me into being the parent, with her poor-me victim martyr act, in which we were all supposed to console and comfort her. By contrast, however, if I was hurt about something, she would ask what I did to cause someone to do or say that to me.
I dread my 'parents'' death, not because I'm going to miss them at all, but because I'm going to be condemned no matter what I do. I can easily see AF especially using his death bed to berate me even more, chew me out, tell me my faults. Why go see him for that?
But of course if I don't go see him, I'm a Bad Daughter.
Ditto for the funerals. I'll be condemned for showing up, because I haven't spoken to them in years * and I'll be condemned if I don't show up. Like the rest of life with them, I screwed up no matter what I did.
* Funny thing about not having spoken to them in years--my mother has not called me once or made any attempt to speak to me, and yet the family story goes only one way. She'll even walk past me and ignore me on the rare occasion I say hello--yet this is all my fault.
As to AF, the only times he's contacted me in about 7 years has been to tell me what a lousy mother, daughter, sister, and (no longer) wife I've been. Hm. And they wonder why I don't talk to them?
This video is spot on. Thanks for sharing it. And yes, the abuse is going to continue long after their deaths--in fact the rest of my life--because they've trained their other daughters and their grandchildren well to follow in their footsteps.