I really like this thread and conversation, KTF. It seems like someone could gather all of the stories that people share here and come up with what seem like the common trajectory for f&f learning to deal with the As in their lives.
When I saw your original question about stories of recovery, I hesitated to post because I'm not 'recovered' yet; however, as others have mentioned, recovery for me is a journey rather than a destination.
I found SR after about 5 years of increasingly upsetting behavior by my AH. At that time I was still hopeful that my actions could change him, or at least influence him to get into recovery. Initially, I read and tried the behavioral approaches to getting a loved one sober, which had zero effect on him and detrimental effects on me because I started to go more 'detective' on him, trying to assess more closely what he was up to, and because I started to take it personally when he/I failed.
One of the benefits of giving up and getting away from the madness is how clear it becomes that the other person is making his/her own choices, regardless of your behavior. For me, reading other people's stories and listening to their advice helped me move on, finally, rather than continuing to ride the roller coaster that we all detest
Another step in regaining my sanity was learning to meditate. Meditation and
exercise give me the mental space and clarity that I need to be healthy.
I told my AH I was leaving almost exactly a year after joining SR, and I moved out a month after that. Like so many others, I've never looked back. I gave up the big house, the financial and familial security, the dreams and illusions, but also the insanity. As a matter of fact it has shocked me to realize how little I miss anything from my old life. Instead, I've realized that my life has changed 180 degrees. I used to be unhappy most of the time with scarce moments of serenity and joy, like when I was walking my dog or hanging out with our kids. Now it's the other way around--most of my life I'm filled with joy, and it's only in the interstices--all of which have to do with fighting STBXAH about child custody--that I'm still sad.
There used to be a lot of things that I would tell myself I would do differently if I were to live my life all over again. What a welcome shock it has been to realize that I can do things differently right now, in this one life that I've been given. I didn't have to continue tolerating the almost unbearable, and I'm grateful for the people on SR who helped me to see that.