Looking at old posts: Wow, I can count a hell of a lot of times I started and stopped in my quitting attempts.
That's one sign if nothing else that I can't drink responsibly.
I'll pull a memory out of the bag now as a talismaan against tonights craving, I've downloaded the link to the recovery plans to peruse later.
I remember being in my old apartment two years ago just before a short stint at sobriety which lasted a few weeks.
I remember laying against the wall after having hit my head on the cuboard, hard. I had a bottle of wine in my hand and I was crying and praying. I don't believe in god, but I was praying, cause I was so damn messed up and I didn't have anything or one to turn to.
I remember that feeling of gut wrenching sadness and helplessness and just the knowledge that I was completely out of control.
It's hard to imagine that person was, is, me. But that person is.
I won't be getting a beer tonight.
But these strong flashes of desire and worse, the calculating way in which I try to convince myself its okay to try again, worry me. A lot. I will look into these "recovery plans". I need something.