njdellis and safeandsound,
I am having similar issues with my husband. He went out with an old friend this last week whose husband has drug issues and although they haven't lived together for over 10 years, they stay married because of health insurance for the kids.
Anyway, he came home talking all about addition...and comparing me to this other woman's husband...it was all I could do to stay silent and just not blow my gasket. He said he was up all night with "too many thoughts" and proceeded to rant on and on about gambling and other things like I'm just going to go out and find the "next crazy thing" to be addicted to at any moment.
I know that ANY problem is a problem...but it sure didn't feel good for him to compare me to this other guy who is in much worse shape than I ever was as a parent or spouse. It's like my own husband moved from encouraging, supportive and happy about where I am at and how I have been progressing since early Dec to all this gloom and doom of addiction and putting that all on me...just all of the sudden this last week I’ve seen a big change in him.
And when I have asked questions about something over the last couple of days he’s been claiming that he has already told me things the night before with that look and attitude of spite. I feek like he’s testing to see if I’m secretly drinking maybe? Or he might actually believe he told me about these things (he has a traumatic brain injury so he forgets things a lot)?
Either way, I can only imagine that he would find my change hard to believe in and question my resolve. I also think it is hard for him because now he’s feeling like he cannot drink when he wants to and has lost his drinking buddy. Last night he got take out for dinner and drank at the restaurant for example, when he would have normally drank at home. So he might be upset about that as well. I have told him he can go ahead and drink his beer and it won’t bother me or affect me and although he has chosen not to, which is very nice and seems supportive, I think there may be resentment there.
All I could bet out of him this morning when I said he doesn’t seem happy was “maybe it’s the winter blues”. So maybe it is a combination of factors that has him a funk (most likely).
They say us women are complicated?!?!?!?
Although his angst does trigger me, instead of going to that dark place I’m trying to use it to help fuel my resolve and make it even stronger in that “I’ll show him” kind of way.
I will NOT drink AT him!
It REALLY helps to KNOW that I remember everything about the night before and I’m not worried that his claims of already telling me are probably true!
Thanks to all the others who have already given the advice to stay as focused on our own recovery and goals as possible despite relationship issues.
I’m also trying to draw as much strength and compassion as possible in dealing with his issues as they surface and remembering that I should be very slow to speak (especially when angry) and really listen.