Originally Posted by
njdellis 
He has lived with me for 5 years until last June. He packed up & moved out because he caught me sneaking & drinking again. We've been on & off since. He's stayed here every night since the day I started getting sober. Last year I was sober for about a month & was trying to change my life for the better. Then he started being a total jerk all the time, constantly picking fights. I called him out on it and he said he's had built up anger because every time we start getting better I drink again. He said how he was treating me was nothing compared to how I've treated him when I've been drunk. That's why I feel like he's trying to do that again. I talked to him this morning & told him not to start being a jerk or moody again. He said he wasn't trying to. I told him that I want to stay sober more than anything and I need him to be there for me. So I hope we are on the same page. Its extremely hard because I have hurt him so many times.
njdellis, just wanted to respond because I so relate to this. My husband picked the first few days I was sober (in January) to tell me how much pain I have caused him over the years. Way too soon! I already felt horrible, and he was usually kind enough not to mention all the things I did in blackouts because he knew I lived in constant shame and guilt. I really, really hurt him and know it. I also think in my case that the change is so huge that he's having trouble adjusting. He lost his drinking partner. That was our main activity.
Maybe let him know that you understand all the pain you've caused, but just for now you need to focus on recovery so that you guys can have a closer relationship in the future? I liked OldTomato's comment to focus on yourself, which also helped me.
My husband's drinking now causes a rift between us when he's drunk--I don't trust that it's the real him or trust what he says or feels (last night he got all maudlin about something). I wonder how many people felt that way about me? That they were getting a watered down version?
I try not to engage with him when he's drinking. He has also agreed not to drink on weeknights. That is MAJOR for him! I've also asked him to hide any alcohol he has since my recent relapse was made easier--I won't say caused--by the alcohol in the fridge.
I'm cautiously hopeful that now we can do sober things together, like walking, playing games, driving anywhere at night. It could really improve things. But I also don't want to get my hopes up! Focus on me, right?
Day 4. Spent the morning reading and writing. Feel calm.