Ever see the South Park episode "The Hobbit"? The premise is that Kim Kardashian is a hobbit- or maybe not, who knows?
Anyway, the character Wendy is repeatedly told that she is "totally jellie" of KK and that she needs to go to "jellie school" and possibly eat a "jellie donut."
To summarize, I think your ex is "totally jellie" of your new man and that he probably needs to go to "jellie school" and also eat a "jellie donut."
When I told my ex I was moving, he became obsessed with the idea that I was moving in with a man and demanded details. I wished that I'd had some to give him, just to torture him (keep in mind that he got married 6 months after I left).
So in summary, Kim Kardashian is a foot-shaving, pipe-smoking hobbit and your ex is totally jellie (and also all that other really Alanon stuff you said). Send him a box of donuts and a copy of the court order for child support.