Originally Posted by
worryles5 
Hello! this is my first post here. I've been sober for almost 16 months now. Member of AA and NA - IV meth was my drug of choice, but alcohol always takes me out.
My first year wasnt easy by any means, but it was way easier than this.
My sponsor told me this would happen, 16-18 months sober she said was the hardest time in her whole sobriety. She has 20 years in July. That is proving to be true.
I believe I work a good program - sponsor other women, volunteer at a women's homeless shelter, going to college, AND I work in a drug rehab. I have been able to handle all of this pretty well and manage to stay spiritually fit through it all. (that is to say, "I" believe, and my head might not be too reliable.)
My mind has been so sick lately. I've been reminiscing a lot - meth addiction is so so so so hard to recover from. Especially IV. So many friends that got sober at the same time as me are going out and getting high. I've been thinking about it a lot lately - I forget what it's actually like to get high vs what I think it is like. My brain is telling me it was fun. I know better. My last run I could only stay out 24 hours and I cried the ENTIRE time and was suicidal by hour 8. Intellectually, I know that. Emotionally, I just remember the times years ago when it was still fun.
I don't know why I'm posting this. I don't have any friends to talk to about it - they have all relapsed. I guess I just want to know what I'm going through is normal. I think about drugs A LOT lately. I feel guilty for thinking about it. The obsession was removed a long time ago, I havent romanticized getting high since I had like 60 days sober. But that insanity is coming back. It terrifies me. I have tremendous respect for this disease and I have seen it kill. I turn 21 this month and I sometimes feel as if I am too young for this.
Again, I don't know why I am posting. This is getting longer than I intended. I guess I just want to know if anyone else went through the same thing around 15/16 months.
.
Hi .
You seem to be trying to do the right thing , stayed stopped for a good period , got sponsor , involved with helping others and 16 months clean and sober.
Pink cloud is over its as simple as that , all your activities have kept your mind off yourself so far , maybe you are stuck with your old ideas and reality is setting in .
You need to be careful your head is out to get you , it is a program of change we can change actions and activities but its an ''inside job '' that is why we need to change , if we do not change the person that brought us in the door ? then that person can take us back out the door . Cunning baffling and powerful is Alcoholism /Addiction , secretly sometimes we hope that somehow someday we will be able somehow to drink/use with safety. That illusion has to be smashed , if not?, we can start what I call ''excitement chasing '' I did not drink but I gambled , smoked dope , popped pills , had affairs then eventually got drunk . The Steps are the solution for 'untreated alcoholism '' our old ideas , our old ways , defects/shortcomings , selfishness selfcenteredness etc , the choice we have is, ''living with the problem ? or living with the solution '' being ready to go to any lengths , ask your sponsor to help you through the steps if you haven't done so , if you are not feeling progress whilst putting in an honest effort ? then get another sponsor , AA program works if you find a ''power '' then clean house BB page 98 but you need to be willing , take care .
Regards Stevie recovered alcoholic 12 03 2006 .
words are easy music is much harder .