Feeling hopeless and defeated
I have made the decision to stop drinking so many times. I just recently realized i haven't taken a break longer than 2 weeks in years! I am 29 years old and I still take shots of tequila. When i notice the tequila is getting out of control, i just drink wine for awhile and then I start to think, oh i have my drinking under control and before i know it, i'm blacked out drunk. I almost black out every time i drink. It is awful. It has affected so many relationships in my past that you would think i would have learned my lesson. I knew at an extremely early age that i have had this problem. I sent myself to an in patient rehab when i was 21 years old for an entire year for goodness sakes. I still haven't learned. So then what is it going to take? My boyfriend and I haven't been dating very long, almost 5 months. We moved in together after a short time of dating. Things moved quickly. I think because we absolutely love each other. Except tonight he has asked me to move out. That the things he loves me doesn't outweigh the things he doesn't love about me. My drinking. I have never loved somebody so much. I know you shouldn't do something for somebody and you should do it for yourself because that is what is really going to make the change. But i need to do it for him and myself. I really want to make this relationship work and he is going to be my motivation. I don't know if he will take me back. This has got to be like the 7th time i came home blacked out drunk in the last 5 months. He's older and he's just not willing to put up with it anymore. He has a lot going on in his life and this is just not helping and its adding more stress to the relationship. I feel so helpless with this addiction. I know i am a strong person and a strong individual. How come I am not strong enough to quit this addiction?!