Zeroine,
Nice to meet you, you will find tons of support here.
I am so so sorry for what you have gone thru -- there are many child and other abuse survivors here. Not surprising given the percentage of addicts that have been abused.
Most of us would find the whole to drink or not to drink decision every day too exhausting, at least I would, but everyone has to find their own way, and if there is one thing I have learned its that there are lots of ways to do this.
But I do hope for you that you will stop in the end, cause its SOOOO much easier if nothing else.
No more of that internal struggle -- at least not about drinking anyway. The committee in my head finds many other things to make me crazy about....
Good luck on your path.