almost 1 year clean / feeling "triggered"
hey everyone -
on july 19 i will have one year continuous cleantime... Thanks to God, the twelve steps, and God...(again...)
Im feeling triggered to use just now -
in the 12x12, step 11 - the prayer of st francis - im recalling the line in that prayer - "lord grant that i may seek - to understand -(rather)than be understood..."
im spinning in a connundrum of understood and understanding - with a S.O.
its frustrating -
God knows, i am grateful for the sobriety he has given me... He gave me the gift of powerlessness, afterall... And that is the basis of my recovery...not fear. (at least i keep telling myself not fear, especially when fear pps up!)
Sometimes i do not want to feel what i am feeling "right now" Im saying that i want to feel different then i feel now - and my addiction says "hey - remember me..im still here...you want instant releif?"
Im not GOING to use now,
but the thought is in my head... and i'm in my head...