I'm new here...I posted in the newcomers section and it was suggested that I post in the Friends and Family section seeing as I am not the alcoholic but the spouse
My husband was a first responder in one of the most horrific shootings recorded in our history. For the past three years we have been attending trauma therapy to manage the PTSD that accompanies such a tragedy. All the while, he continued to work, but he was not the same. He has been an officer for 18 years and it is all he has ever wanted to do. I have been with him since college. The past three years have been a nightmare. I would have done anything to help, but nothing seemed to help. The trauma specialists didn't even see this in him. He had been using alcohol to cope with his traumatic memories. He never did it when anyone could see and because some of the symptoms I kept describing overlapped with many of the symptoms of PTSD, I didn't question it and neither did anyone else. There was no help from the state or anyone with regard to this trauma. We were all on our own. Our nights were horrible, his mood was horrible, he was sad, withdrawn, called in sick, short tempered, all the while, never admitting that he had a problem. Fast forward to two days before this past Christmas and the state finally decided they had a place for him to go. They told me that this would help everything and that there were many officers that have had to go for the same reason. My prayers were answered, but my nightmare was just beginning. It was a rehab facility that specializes in Police/Fire/EMS/officers, etc. Apparently 80-90% of people with PTSD self medicate. He has been gone for the last 3 weeks and will be home next weekend. He looks and sounds so much better. I desperately want the person back that we knew a long time ago and I think he's there, but I am so terribly angry, resentful, lonely, etc. I feel like a complete fool. I am an educated, involved business woman. How could I not have seen this? How do we get back these past three years? I felt so much better about the trauma and would've kept putting up with the behaviors, but when I found out alcohol was involved and that he didn't want to tell me, it turned my world upside down. I know that he is not making empty promises and that he cannot wait to get home to put into practice everything he has learned, but I am sitting here and have been crying for the past 30 days. Why do I feel this way? Why am I so scared and hurt? I want to get past this so we can move forward, but I don't want anything that comes with "alcohol dependency." I just don't want it to apply to our life. I am sure that no one does. I want to be ready for him to come home and have continued counselling, etc., but I feel as though I am farther behind than he is because he left for rehab right after this came to light. I have not gone to any Al-Anon meetings and am not sure I want to. I don't even want to devote any more time to this than we already have, but I know that' s not realistic. I don't even want to show my face about this right now. I want my husband back and I want to give him a chance, as I know he has been through a terrible ordeal, but I feel as though he put the ones he loves the most through an ordeal and I have to figure out how to get past it so we can move forward. I am scared and want a crystal ball...