Ok, everyone. To answer a few questions:
We have established that we are boyfriend/girlfriend and that we are exclusive and committed to each other.
He talks about things in the future and I am usually included in those plans.
As for the harem thing on FB, lol. Well, I am still 'friends' with my spring fling guy on FB too so what does that say about me? I'm also friends with men who have shown interest in me who are waiting to see if I become available soon.....again, should I be or shouldn't I be friends with them. I don't put much weight on FB stuff. I trust my guy because he's given me NO reason to not trust him.
And, here's the other things guys: I am not even sure I want to get married in the future or even live with a man ever again. He, on the other hand, has made quite a few references to doing both of those things. I've kept my mouth shut. And, here's where he may be leery of being in a relationship with ME. When he talks about having a woman living with him in the future, I disappear from the conversation or change the subject. I don't sit there and say, "Yeah, baby, maybe it will be you and me in that bedroom. Where should we put the bed?"
There is a possibility that even though I am capable of expressing 'love' with my words that maybe I'm not in a place where I can be 100% in the relationship as much as I think I want to be. I have chosen to stay in this relationship because he treats me well, he's taught me that saying what I mean is OK and that I can trust him to say what he means as well. He's been my biggest cheerleader when it comes to my job stuff and just yesterday told me, "Liz, whatever job you choose, you will be great at. I believe in you."
He sends me pics of the kids and asks how my son is doing always. He tells me he misses me. He acts in a loving manner towards me and I've never felt objectified or manipulated or judged for just being myself.
We are all broken people just trying to find our place in this world, and that includes me. I am just as much a relationship risk to him as he may be to me. Heck, just a few months ago I found myself in a sexting situation with an old friend of mine that was HIGHLY inappropriate and devalued myself and would be hurtful to my guy. SO, for god's sake....I'm certainly no angel here and may even be experiencing my own 'mid life crisis' here, too, lol.
I am responsible for my actions, my feelings, my space, and my financial future. I have no desire to have my guy provide for me or pay my way in the future. I have no fantasies here about him or about me and I feel that I left denial in the past.
Maybe he's giving me a gift by letting things taking longer to unfold?
As my sponsor has said: More will be revealed. When I told him last week that we should just take things one day at a time and just enjoy each other's company, I meant it. I realized that I said the L word too soon, even for myself. Some days I don't even know what love is having never had true healthy love in my life romantically in the past before.
And, here's what's funny; the few days following that conversation he was more romantic, opened up to me about a few of his fears about his health, his kids, and his work that he hadn't revealed to me before, etc. I feel like he has taken down a wall since I told him I loved him. So, while he may think I jumped the gun, maybe it was what we both needed? Maybe he needs more time to SPEAK it and maybe I need more time to just comprehend what LOVE really is? Only God knows these things and I choose to put my relationship in His hands.