We've got a pizza on order too. Hawaiian, my daughter's favorite, therefore we have all learned to appreciate it. I'm looking forward to it.
Today I've just been riding out some mood swings and trying to go easy on myself. I thought my body was ready to ease up on the cravings for caloric foods, and it really was better than it's been, but this afternoon I just had to get down on about 1000 golden oreos. I'm trying not to rush my body to normalize, but part of me is still pretty upset about the situation and thinks I really should be on a strict eating plan with no binges by now. I feel like I have definitely gained enough weight that it's time to stop bingeing, but I realize I'm not the best person to be making those kinds of decisions, so I'm trying to just let my body guide me. I hope it's trustworthy. If I can't normalize on my own, I will have to work with a dietician, and I'd rather not go that route. Frankly, I'm getting tired of having to rely on so many professionals to keep me straight (and even with them around I never seem to stay straight anyway!), so bringing another freakin' doctor onto my "team" would probably make me feel like even more of a loser.
I've felt pretty disappointed in myself lately. While I've had this mess going on, some people I work with have been promoted and started some very cool projects. I was sitting in court the other day with a bunch of accomplished attorneys, and I started feeling pretty crappy because there was a time when I had pretty high hopes for myself. I was smart, educated, and eager to achieve. People told me I would go far. But I'm still a government paralegal, and at this point I really don't have any further career aspirations. Why? Because I'm f-ing crazy. Sometimes I can barely manage the job I have. It wouldn't be fair to an employer or myself to try for something more advanced. My mental health seems to be worsening as I get older, and I have to be realistic about that. Sometimes it just bums me out to think about it, and now sometimes I wonder what's ahead for me and whether a time will come when I won't be able to work. My grandmother was bipolar and eventually got to that point. It's scary, and I really shouldn't let myself get caught up in thinking about it. The point is I'm just disappointed in myself and struggling with acceptance right now.
Anyway, pizza's here!