I think you belong here too, Dallow.
this is a good place for us with lots of support! But even more support definitely won't hurt.
It really struck a chord when you said you drank at dinner to try and be happy and normal like everyone else. Wishing just one or two drinks gave you the same effect it gave others. I've had that feeling too many times to count and it's definitely the AV talking (Kiki is right!). I do believe that with sobriety we can find a happiness and peace that we can't even fathom while in the clutch of alcohol. Otherwise those with longtime sobriety would never stay sober. I think recovery ultimately involves taking a leap of faith that there is happiness out there that you haven't experienced yet but that you know will come if you stay sober.