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Old 12-29-2015, 04:22 AM
  # 392 (permalink)  
Yogapants
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: New England
Posts: 101
Thank you, BKA. I do hope I can get used to feeling happy - it is a great feeling

I would like to explain a bit more about my crutches and the process (I hope this will be helpful to someone).

99% of my drinking was solitary - I would drink wine in the evenings after coming home from work and most of the day/evening on the weekends. I would wake up in the middle of the night with my heart racing and waves of heat coming over me when the liver would dump all that sugar into my bloodstream. In the mornings I would drag myself out of bed, take some advil and would go to work (no doubt driving still under the influence!) and would sit in front of my computer like a zombie. I was terrified that my manager and co-workers could smell alcohol off me. I was so incredibly lucky that I didn't get into any kind of trouble while drinking!

For the first month or so, I felt like I needed a drink in my hand in the evenings in order to make it work. I stocked up on sparkling water, apple juice and grape juice and would drink water and juice mixed half and half, glass after a glass... It helped. I ate a lot and whatever I felt like. I figured that I only had enough willpower for one thing at a time, so I didn't try to restrain my eating in any way.

I planned every evening and every weekend to the minute (which way to drive home from work, which store to stop by to get my groceries, what to eat, what to watch on TV, what to knit, what to read, etc.) I made detailed lists while still at work and I envisioned myself doing the things on the list. Then I crossed them off the list as things got done. I had some very silly and mundane things on the lists but it worked :-)

I went to one AA meeting early on in the process but decided that AA was not for me (I'm not religious so that aspect didn't work for me). I attended a couple of online chat meetings and those were very helpful. And I was on SR forums every single day, reading and sometimes posting, joining the weekender threads, etc. Having SR community support was (and still is) by far the biggest help.

I avoided places and situations involving drinking (for example, when a friend invited me for drinks after work, I asked her to have lunch instead). When I couldn't avoid these events, I would prepare days in advance, envisioning myself turning down alcohol and asking for cranberry juice with lots of ice instead. I would run over that in my head time and time again, so that when I got to the event, I knew exactly what to say and what to do. It worked surprisingly well.

All throughout, the AV was there, making me feel sorry for myself, making me feel like I'm missing out on life by not drinking. All the wine adds on TV were screaming "drink!!!" to me. I started noticing how prevalent alcohol consumption was on TV and internet. Every show featured people drinking wine or talking about wine! I realized that a woman with a glass of wine in her hand became a cliche. And I decided that I didn't want to be that cliche. But the AV kept on telling me that it's fine :-(

By then, I was far enough into the process that I didn't want to throw away all the hard work I have done. The thought of having to go through the first few weeks again scared me to death (it still does!). And I know that if I relapse, it will be worse than before. I know I have no self control and it's all or nothing for me. So fear is still a big motivator for me. And it's still a struggle sometimes, but generally it is much better now. I will go for days without really thinking about drinking. Seeing other people drink does not evoke such strong reactions in me any more. It is getting easier, but it took 3 really difficult months to get here.

I know things work differently for everyone, but I really hope this helps at least some of you!
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