I'm sorry canguy. That must be terrible.
What I think is more terrible tho is you reliving it year after year...and that's what you're doing with drinking...
you're not dealing with that loss or processing those emotions and old wounds, you're simply pushing them to the side for maybe a little while.
You're not making anything better.
The more years you do that the harder it is to get any respite at all.
If it takes counselling to help you really get to grips with your loss and deal with it, then I'd do it.
It's got to be better than throwing booze at the pain and hopping you get some respite.
The most obscene thing about the AV is it will take genuine grief - and reduce it it into just another reason to drink.
That's disgusting - and I hope you agree with me, canguy.
I hope you can make this the last Xmas your AV gets to gorge itself on your pain.
D