MY disease is prevalent
Over the weekend I had a few conversations with my BF and one of them centered around me and how he sees me present myself in our relationship. Well, the man sees right through me apparently. I was nearly in tears when I realized that he knew I wasn't presenting my full and honest self to him. That I was fearful of expressing anger or full emotion with him because I feared his judgement and criticism. He said it was clear to him that I had people in my life who were critical of me and he wanted me to know that he would not judge me.
He said he just wanted me to be ME, to not have to feel like I have to 'fake it until I make it'. He said he knew I wasn't being 'fake' in the relationship but he did say that he wonders often what my motive is because I hold back and he sees it.
Funny thing is; at first I was pissed that he said these things and that he was so matter of fact about them. He wasn't upset or emotional, he was just stating his own observations. We dropped the conversation and went to dinner and then I brought it back up again on our way home and I had a better perspective and I realized that he was absolutely correct. I do hide and cover up my emotions. I know I fear people's anger or responses to my feelings or attitudes. I have some old patterns of relating due to criticism and crazy making stuff from my XAH and I didn't realize how transparent it all was to my new guy.
So, I sat there and told him thank you for being honest with me. I asked him to call me out on the behavior if he sees it or questions my reactions or responses. I told him I might need some help and patience from him, but that I wanted him to know that I have never been fake. He said he knew that but that sometimes he thinks I was trying too hard or people pleasing above and beyond that which is normal and he wanted me to know it's OK to just be me.
At first, I figured it was the end of the relationship because what guy wants to be with a woman who can't be real or who puts forth a front? He made me breakfast the next AM and we sat and talked for a few hours again about other stuff. He moved a bunch of his collectable artwork to my house since he's moving in to a new house in April. So, as far as I can tell, he's not going anywhere anytime soon. And, if he does leave me, that's OK too, because I've learned so much already about myself and I'd be very grateful for just having had this opportunity to use a place of growth so that I can continue to grow and learn and move on.
My big question to myself is: HOW? How do I learn to just be me? Do I even know what that looks like after 20 years in an alcoholic marriage? And, why is it that I feel like my boyfriend knows me better than I know myself?