SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - View Single Post - Anyone else's family have this dynamic?
View Single Post
Old 12-17-2015, 06:12 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 658
Although two of my siblings spent 8 years in college and threw a lot of keggers, all of us are actually reasonably independent and responsible. But I do still see the difference clearly. My parents have at times been generous with all of us, and yet--with clear differences.

My mother grumbled and groused endlessly about being asked to babysit once a week for one sibling's children, for the space of two or three years. Then the Golden Child had children and she insisted on doing full time daycare, 45 hours a week, then wanted to take on the second child. And she can never stop raving about how wonderful it is, and loving every second of it.

I can't even imagine how cutting that has been to the first sibling, who was treated like an inconvenience and groused about, and the grandchildren in question--even though they're quite nice kids.

My parents have always worried and fussed over Golden Child and Golden Child's Spouse, about how hard it is for them to make ends meet--even though they both have good, full time jobs and at the time had one infant. One of them had to have a new vehicle every other year, things like that, but my mom did the full time day care for free because life was soooo hard for them.

I, by contrast, was raising a very large family, including two with some special needs, on XH's so-so income and my part time income, and I never heard a word about how hard life might be for us. In fact, I heard a lot about how I wasn't quite good enough as a mother--Golden Child, of course, is perfect and wonderful and raising fantastic, amazing children! ;-)

Not that I wanted help--we were fine--just that there was a curious contrast in how she saw things.

To be honest, I really don't worry about it. I prefer to be independent and stand on my own two feet, because I long ago realized that the 'help' can also quickly become puppet strings. I really realized that when I stepped away after several abusive incidents, and was ordered to come to pick up my Christmas check. XH showed up for his and the price was a lengthy lecture about what ingrates we were.

It was a lot of money I didn't get that year (or any years since--in fact, it adds up to quite a lot). But I've never missed it. My kids have a roof over their heads and food, and I'm grateful to be free of that fear AF had created in me that I needed his money, which kept me tied to the dysfunction.
EveningRose is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to EveningRose For This Useful Post:
Kialua (12-19-2015)