Originally Posted by
DoubleDragons 
Cindy, I can't help but wonder if your ex husband has narcissistic tendencies. Once kids (or anyone in an N's life for that matter) stop fulfilling an N's needs, they no longer have use for them. What he is doing seems like a passive aggressive move to control and manipulate them. TG that they have you and strong enough personalities to see that what their father is doing is wrong.
I am so happy that you reunited with your daughter. In my experience with my teenagers, they go through a very strong independent phase to show you that they are separate from you, and when they sense your acceptance of that, they feel safe enough to return to you.
Glad to see that the Tobers forum is still going strong. We had my husband's company Christmas party over the weekend. We had a great time. It didn't even cross my mind to drink. I was looking at my old journals and I just laughed at how worried and stressed I was about not drinking at this party in 2013. It is so good to be past that hurdle.
He definitely has narcissistic tendencies. The only way to prove your love to him is by putting up with his terrible treatment of you. If you stick it out then you are rewarded by his attention in small doses from time to time. I couldn't do it anymore so I got out. My kids are not as lucky. I found the below list in an article on psychologytoday.com. I can give everyday and extreme examples of almost all of them in regards to each kid (and myself). I don't think there is any "coming around" for this type of thing. It is just who he is and I am trying to just be there for my kids as they have to deal with it. I know he loves them. And they love him. But he will never get help. That would mean admitting fault or that he is less than perfect and that just won't happen.
Here are some signs that your dad had narcissistic tendencies or was an out-right narcissist.
Dad was self-centered and pretty vain. He had an inflated sense of self-importance that led him to believe he was superior and entitled to only the best.
Dad used people for his own good. He would take advantage of others, to the point of exploiting them when it suited him. Everybody seemed to cater to him, or at least he expected them to.
Dad was charismatic. Everyone wanted to be around him and he relished admiration from others. He loved being in the spotlight and the positive reinforcement that came from being the center of attention.
No one had an imagination like Dad. Grandiosity is alluring, and so were his fantasies of success, prestige, and brilliance. He would often exaggerate his achievements, and his ambitions and goals bordered on unrealistic.
Dad didn’t take criticism well. Nothing stung him like criticism; he often cut those people out of his life, or tried to hurt them.
Dad’s rage was truly scary. Some people get mad and yell a lot. Dad could hurt you with his anger. It cut to the bone.
Dad could be aloof and unsympathetic. Narcissists often have a hard time experiencing empathy; they often disregard and invalidate how others feel. Of course, he was exquisitely sensitive to what he felt, but others were of no mind.
Dad wasn’t around a lot. He got a lot of gratification outside the family. Other fathers hung out with their families a lot more. Plus, he craved excitement and seemed to be more concerned by what others thought of him, rather then how his own kids felt about him.
Dad did what he wanted when dealing with you. Narcissists don’t step into someone else’s shoes very often. He did things with you that he enjoyed; maybe you did as well.
Dad wanted you to look great to his friends and colleagues. You were most important to him when he could brag about you; sad but true.
You couldn’t really get what you needed from him. Even if Dad provided on a material level, you felt deprived on a more subtle level. For example, you wanted his attention and affection, but would only get it sporadically, and only when it worked for him.
When you go through these traits, some may hit home; while others may not be relevant. Some may ring as very true; while others as less so. This is why narcissitic traits are not synonomous with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder.