Originally Posted by
Vona71 
I wanted to add something to my last post. I feel a little like I'm pretending to be ok. I'm not. Not really with respect to cravings, but more so, very much so, with respect to emotions. I'm terribly depressed. My shame for the past is creeping up on me. I can't seem to stop telling myself how much I hate myself.
Now, I am a realistic person. I know these feelings are not right. I know that I am a decent person, who has done decent things. But the shame surrounding my drinking is huge. I know what shame is; I know how dangerous it is, but it just keeps seeping into my brain. I try to tell myself otherwise. When I hear myself say, "I hate myself. I'm worthless and a terrible person," I try to repeat with something positive. But those bloody negative thoughts always win out in the end. I feel so foolish admitting this to you, but I can't bare admitting this to anyone close to me. I just can't do it, or I guess I should say I won't do it.
I just want to crawl into a hole and sleep this all away. I want to run away, from this town, from everyone, from me. I'm just so damn sad.
Alcohol, how I hate you.
You should feel strong and be proud. You're taking a step that in general is in the minority. It's a big deal to have that monkey on your back and then finally pull the trigger to begin the healing.
I can understand your unwillingness to admit "where you are" and "how you feel about yourself". I don't trust too many people/friends myself. Though I am close with friends and family, they are not counselors and they just don't have the capability to completely supportive of my needs.
Essentially, I try not to put myself in a vulnerable position until I am strengthened. It only takes a second to upset someone close to you and it only takes a second for them to pounce and use anything you mentioned against you. That is my life though, you know your own life. You do what you feel is right. I think that is why many trouble individuals, troubled drinkers and alcoholics prefer an institution that is designed to rebuild and support.
Remember, you should always be your best supporter and voice of reinforcement. Why are you so rough on yourself?
Forget the past and let the healing begin, seriously. By no means, am I trying to sound like a preacher. I'm not religious! When you begin to change your lifestyle and stop medicating yourself, you can begin trying to piece everything back together.
But whatever, you do, don't "hate yourself"....."love yourself". You're off to a fabulous start by quitting. Furthermore, there are tons of forums to read here on SR. And if you want some serious advise, try creating your own forum and the SR community will come out of the woodwork and to help you and guide you.