I wanted to add something to my last post. I feel a little like I'm pretending to be ok. I'm not. Not really with respect to cravings, but more so, very much so, with respect to emotions. I'm terribly depressed. My shame for the past is creeping up on me. I can't seem to stop telling myself how much I hate myself.
Now, I am a realistic person. I know these feelings are not right. I know that I am a decent person, who has done decent things. But the shame surrounding my drinking is huge. I know what shame is; I know how dangerous it is, but it just keeps seeping into my brain. I try to tell myself otherwise. When I hear myself say, "I hate myself. I'm worthless and a terrible person," I try to repeat with something positive. But those bloody negative thoughts always win out in the end. I feel so foolish admitting this to you, but I can't bare admitting this to anyone close to me. I just can't do it, or I guess I should say I won't do it.
I just want to crawl into a hole and sleep this all away. I want to run away, from this town, from everyone, from me. I'm just so damn sad.
Alcohol, how I hate you.