Bunny211

So I made it this far. I've been doing all the right things. I have a strong sponsor. I hit my knees in the morning and at night. I'm working the program. I attend meetings regularly. I have a home group and a job. I am working the steps. I am currently on my 4th step.

Up until about 2 weeks ago I had the "pink cloud." I made it through rehab, got into sober living, got a little "get well job" for a few months, began exercising and trying to eat healthy, taking vitamins etc. I felt a surge of gratitute to God for giving me another shot at life. But....it seems like I have lost that cloud and the rains are setting in. My get well job was going fine but I was NOT making enough $$ to pay my bills. So, I got a full time 40/hr a week gig in my career field. It's stressful but ok. It's just that lately I take no pleasure in anything. My life feels like drudgery. Get up, call my sponsor, go to work, go to a meeting, come home, pray, go to bed...repeat ad infinitum. I have no passion or interest in anything. I have to force myself to get through my day....I keep trudging along, head into the wind and I feel really ******. More anger than sadness. I wake up every morning in a foul mood. I pray and ask God to redirect my thinking. But I feel nothing. I feel no connection to my higher power. I've started exploring different churches and lately, I get nothing out of church. No feelings whatsoever. I am not looking forward to Xmas. And usually I DO look forward to the holidays because I get to see my little god-daughter. But even that brings me no joy now. It's just a chore. Life feels like a chore.

I'm getting scared that I am majorly depressed or something. I feel like an empty shell of a person with no passions, hobbies or interests. The only relief I look forward to is sleep. I feel moments punctuated by laughter and joy...but they are fleeting and then they are gone. I'm scared that I am slipping into an abyss.

I should mention a few things. My thyroid levels are very, very low and they have upped my medication to fix that. So, I am feeling tired and rundown to begin with. I've been dealing with a painful rash for 2 months (saw 3 different docs with 3 different diagnoses) that will not go away. Now they think it is related to the thyroid condition. Also, over Thanksgiving my father was in the hospital for 5 days, came out, and was re-admitted for another 3. I spent my holiday in the hospital visiting him. They finally found what was wrong and he is fine now. Plus my entire family drinks and Thanksgiving was just plain miserable for me. I really didn't feel, at the time, like that affected me so much but maybe it did and I just didn't recognize it?

Now, I am on my 4th step and my sponsor says that it is normal to feel this way when writing one's 4th. But I was going over some of my resentments with her yesterday and she asked me why I was not crying. She said when she went over her part in things with her sponsor she was bawling. I'm not. And, a lot of things I know I SHOULD feel guilty about I just don't. Some of my actions in the past seem, to me, to be "not that big of a deal." That makes me feel like I am some sort of defective sociopath or something. Like, why am I not sad? I will say, however, that I am VERY angry all the time. Little things make me fly off the handle....like someone cutting me off in traffic. I only express this rage alone...never in front of people. But, I have been known to have a temper tantrum in my car, screaming and slamming my fists etc.

I rarely cry. I just don't. And if I do it is usually out of frustration. I'm not crying because of the things I've done in the past. I feel like I am still crying because I am sad about the state of my life. And, I feel like this is the wrong way to feel. I just feel like I am doing something wrong, here and even more concerning to me is that I am slipping into a horrible depression.

Can anyone relate?

Thanks.