lizatola

So, many of you know that I jumped into dating too soon(just my own observation, fyi) after I left my XAH. I was officially divorced in early June but I had started dating a man in April, a few weeks after I actually filed the paperwork. We're still together today and, honestly, things are going great. Actually, I've had friends, mostly program friends, tell me that they are envious that I found such a devoted, kind, respectful, caring, giving, man right away. They have asked me, "How?" and, "What did you do to find him and how are you making it work?" etc.

Honestly, I have no complaints about him. Any issues I had a few months ago about communication have been resolved because I expressed my concerns and asked him to step up and he did. He's been a supportive and loving partner. We've moved slowly and have now gotten to the point where our kids have interacted, he's spent time with my son including Thanksgiving, he's fixed my car, I've helped him do yard work, and I think we're good together. We have a real relationship and we're both accountable and respectful for our actions.

Here's my problem: I can't say how I feel about him. I've never been good at expressing myself and saying I love you is difficult to me. I have all these feelings for him and things I want to say, but I can't seem to say them. On the flip side, he's not said much either but he seems to say more about us and our future than I do and he talks about things months down the road or how I'll meet his Seattle friends in the spring, etc. He has not said the L word, either, but I wonder if I'm being true to myself by holding back in telling him how I really feel. I know it's fear. It's fear that he doesn't feel the same way. It's fear that it will be a case of unrequited love, even though everything he does for me and how he treats me tells me that it wouldn't be that lopsided a thing in the end. It's fear that if he knows exactly how I feel that he will run away and abandon me.

I know this all goes back to my being ACOA and having lived with my XAH for so long. I was in a 20 year marriage. I know there's no hurry to tell this man how I feel. He also seems to be taking his time. If you look at how we treat each other, how much time we spend together, how involved our lives have become with each other and with our kids, you'd think we have quite a good thing. And, we do......so why am I in a rush to just lay all my cards on the table and get it out there, LOL?

I was sick with the stomach flu over the weekend and he gave up plans to go listen to a band play so he could stay home and keep me company. It was wonderful to be cared for with no expectations or guilt. I was on the verge of vomiting on Saturday night and I look over and see him just sitting there watching a movie with me and I could have just blurted out that dang L word right then and there and then i thought, "Oh, that's romantic. Yep, tell the guy you love him and try to get a kiss in while your at it and then run for the porcelain god and go puke.....hmmm, probably should wait that one out, haha!" Oh, god help me, this falling in love in my mid 40s is fun stuff.