Zoso77, I hope I word this correctly. I'm sorry you've been feeling down. The holidays are tough for many people. It's understandable that this first holiday season without your mom will be difficult and make you miss her even more. I believe that she will always be with you in spirit, though. She will continue to live through you (and your siblings) as long as your keep her memory and her legacy alive.
I share the same thoughts as you. I'm 42 and have never been married. I never wanted to settle... I watched all my friends get married over the years, and some of their marriages have lasted, and some haven't. Some of my friends were on their second and third marriages before they were 40 years old! I always wanted to wait until I found "the one." I thought I had finally found that partner in my ex. Now that that's gone, I find myself having the same questions and doubts that you expressed. I fear that it will be difficult to trust a man again. I fear that I will overreact at what I perceive to be the slightest "red flag" in someone, and end up pushing someone away who could have been really good for me. I fear that I am too damaged to be in a real relationship ever again. But at the end of the day, I'm surrounded by many other good people who love me and who I can trust. I try to focus on that when I'm feeling sad, insecure with myself, or doubtful about my future. I'm very fortunate to have such people in my life. I also believe that time really does heal wounds. As long as I continue to work on myself, and be the best person I can be, I'll be in a really good place if I choose to be romantically involved again someday.
You've gone out of your way to help total strangers who have walked, or are walking, the same path as you. It's tragic circumstances that brought us all here, but you have been a shining light for so many people as we have fought our way through the darkness. You give straightforward, clear advice, in a caring way that has never made me feel defensive or attacked. You have a special gift in your way with words, that has helped countless numbers of people whom you have never met. You have a lot to offer to the right person. You are not damaged goods! Keep your head up, and remember that there are many people who care about you and love you for who you are.