Please do read this link if you're thinking of harming yourself in any way, Enfin.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html
I had a very dark period in my 20s when I was convinced things would never change.
Had I successfully acted on that impulse then, I would have missed out on a lot of very good things that have happened to me since.
This is a ghastly event, and I understand the despair you must feel - but this can be a new beginning too...and not simply a catastrophic event to beat yourself up over and over and over again.
D