Am I simply, at age 46, damaged goods? When will I stop being absolutely terrified of being badly hurt again?
Damaged goods? Nope, you are grieving and feeling the pain of loss, of your mother...which triggers the pain of other losses in your life. Grief is normal and as much as it hurts, healthy. There is no time frame but facing it as you are doing is a good way to process your feelings so that soon you can begin to heal.
When will you stop being terrified? When you look fear in the eye and walk through it, replacing it instead with faith...faith in yourself, that you ARE a wonderful person worthy of love and happiness...faith in the process of life, that it goes on and leads us out of the darkness and back into the light...faith in another person who won't need to prove her trustworthiness, you will just "know" it.
I am so sorry you are going through this Zoso, life hurts sometimes, and I am so sorry for the loss of you mother. I too miss my own yet I feel her presence every day and hear her words when I need them most. One day soon you will understand what I just said because you too will sense the presence of your mother as life proceeds.
Happy Thanksgiving, Zoso, may you find peace and joy soon, when the time is right and you are ready.
Hugs