zoso77

As the days grow shorter and colder, I've found myself sliding further into a state of depression. Since my mother passed away at the end of June, I haven't been the same person.

I suppose it's folly to think that the death of a parent wouldn't change us. In my case, Mom's loss has made me reconsider my priorities, my values, and what really matters in this life. At the same time, my dreams have become very troubling. Mom pops up in my dreams quite often these days, and the other night, I dreamt that I was at her funeral (again). I knelt down in front of her casket at the cemetery, touched it, and then woke up shaking.

I've also had recurring dreams about the first girl I really, really cared about when I was 16-17 years old. I won't go into that history too far...but what I will say is her parents split up at the beginning of high school, her mother kind of went off the deep end, and she was looking for love in all the wrong ways and doing things with boys that were really sad. When I was told about all of this by a mutual friend, I decided I wasn't going to be a part of that problem and instead of dating, crashing and burning (and we would have), we remained close friends after high school for a number of years until life took us in different directions.

And that happens when we get into our twenties. The circles we have in our late teens do not stay the same, and in my case, when I met my mentor at age 24, my life changed in a way that I didn't expect when I was in my teens (another long story). Those changes took me away from who and what I'd known before. If it wasn't for my mentor, I wouldn't be what I am.

He died 5 years ago. Someone else extremely important to me died 3 years ago. And now, there's Mom. We don't simply grieve the person we just lost. We grieve everyone before that person, too. I think the biggest takeaway from all of this loss is just how transient, fleeting, and capricious our existence is. Here one moment, gone the next. All we are is a Dirac delta function on the axis of time. A blip. The only thing we have any control over is how we spend that time and who we spend it with.

A girl I grew up with came to Mom's wake, and I hadn't seen her in close to 30 years. She and I have reconnected, which is really cool. Another old friend of mine from my late teens came to Mom's funeral. He's now the chief of my town's fire department. We got together a couple of weeks ago for drinks and had a blast. It was really good to reconnect as men and find common ground in what we're currently doing professionally. I'm also spending more time with my cousins than I have in years.

And yet, despite me reconnecting with old friends, extended family, and all my other friends, I still feel this emptiness.

Part of it, if I'm to be honest, is the result of my own choices. I've spent a lot of time and energy focusing on my career and on my education over the past 10 years, and for most of that timeframe, I've refused the entertain the possibility of romantic love. And when I did entertain that possibility, it did not go well for me. So for a while, I was content with professional advancement and academic achievement. That worked for me quite well.

Until Mom died.

And since then, I've had to wrestle with a lot of uncomfortable questions. Like, is it possible for any woman to love me for me, warts and all? Is it possible that I can put what happened with my AXGF in a place where I can trust someone another woman romantically again? Am I solid enough a person such that I can recognize a dysfunctional woman when I spend time with one, but I concurrently don't overreact negatively to something she may do or say? Am I simply, at age 46, damaged goods? When will I stop being absolutely terrified of being badly hurt again?

There are no easy answers. I'm resigned to the fact that this sorting out process is going to take an appreciable amount of time. Thankfully, I'm not going through this alone; my clinician and I have been seeing each other quite a bit more frequently than we have in some time. I've committed to sorting all of this out. I'm now open to the possibility that I can find love again and have it be both enduring and healthy. And I'm in writing mode on acoustic guitar again, which has always been my preferred method of dealing with emotional pain.

Anyways...just sharing. I wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving.