Thanks guys, I couldn't do this alone, I'm grateful for all of you. Tonight I was talking to my friend who helped me (I'm just going to start calling him T to distinguish him from other friends since I reference him often here), and I was able to articulate that the anniversaries feel kind of empty to me because they suggest that I've put distance between myself and the addiction, but I feel like that's an illusion. It's still right here. It doesn't have to travel eight months to catch up with me, it can have me in an hour if I'm not careful. I still don't feel safe, and frankly I'm not sure it's safe for me to feel safe. I'm afraid of complacency. Afraid of what will happen if I let myself believe that thing is eight months behind me when it's always right at my back. T pointed out that I'm stronger and wiser than I was before, and I know better ways to protect myself. I know he's right, but I just have this fear. I'm not sure it will ever go away, and I'm not sure I want it to.
I told him it's like one of those ghost stories where someone leaves a haunted house to escape a ghost, only to find that it wasn't the house that was haunted, it was him, and the ghost will follow him wherever he goes.
Arbor I'm sorry it's a rough night. Been there! It feels like torture sometimes when you're exhausted and they just won't quit. Just one more way parenting makes you tough as nails...and completely insane!
Phoebe I love beads. I used to do beading when I was much younger, like high school. I made big, elaborate bracelets from seed beads. Not sure I have the dexterity or the eyesight to do it anymore. Or, okay, probably not the patience either.
