Thank you both. It's certainly a journey we all would rather NOT be on, but I guess that can't be helped. SD knows she's better off with us, and is always praising us for being, well, for being normal. Children of normal parents must take that for granted, I know my kids did (she has two step-brothers aged 22 and 26), and so it's just awful to grow up thinking it's normal to drink beer for breakfast, to have no money because what money there is (benefits don't pay much in this country) is spent on alcohol, to have headlice all the time, to be late to school every day or not go at all, to have awful, ill-fitting clothes that are dirty and smelly. God knows when SD was with her mum we tried so so hard to get her away (legally), but for some unknown reason the agencies that are meant to protect children didn't deem her plight serious enough. Until she was 11 or so, she did feel very protective of her mum, and although she would tell us she wanted to live with us, she didn't think her mum would survive on her own. She was, in fact, her mother's carer, and she also looked after her brother who is 5 years younger than she is. But, one day she saw the light, and realised she couldn't continue. We had been providing a safe, normal environment for her on a fortnightly basis for 8 years, and she decided she wanted that permanently and left. From that day on her mother barely bothered with her, so we all learned very quickly that she was entirely selfish and not to expect anything. We did attend Al-Anon a couple of times, but it wasn't for us, and there isn't an Al-Ateen anywhere locally. But SD joined a few online forums and has had the counselling. As she's got older she has rebelled, but only in subtle (ish) ways - she's got ear stretchers, a couple of piercings and she's dyed her hair green recently, but that is just her I think anyway. She did get very very drunk last year, on vodka, with her friends in the local park. One of them had the sense to call us and ask us to go and get her, which we did, and she was in a terrible state. I sat with her, holding her hair whilst she puked for a couple of hours and then we put her to bed. She hasn't done it since, and it's entirely normal for teens to experiment with alcohol, but there's always that niggle at the back of our minds - will she be an addict herself? She knows we think that, and reassures us all the time that she would never become her mother. She's more like her dad to be honest, but the worry is still there.
In some ways I resent her mother because she had the easy part of SD's life - a fully compliant, non complaining child who doted on her and took care of her every need. We got a messed up pre-teen who has real issues, who has self harmed (thankfully stopped now), has had proper meltdowns (again, normal for teens) and we have, of course, had the stroppiness that goes with teenage girls (I swear boys are MUCH easier!), so it's been tough. But, we are strong, and we love each other, and I look upon her as my daughter. Her mother, in my opinion, does not have the right to that title - she does not deserve it.
Onwards and upwards - still a rocky road ahead I fear .....