Hello everyone,
I became completely distraught and agitated on Oct 13 and my psychiatrist admitted me directly from his office. I was highly agitated, beside myself.
I only just got a pass today, to go off the ward. I don't have my iPad, I'm writing from a computer in the hospital library.
I think you all know that I completely frustrated at how unwell I seem to be, and for how long this has gone on. I've tried AA, but I don't feel like I fit in, I think I've given it a good try, many meetings. I don't want to be going to meetings for the rest of my life, and have people tell me that I will not be able to stay sober unless I do the steps, give over to a higher power. I'm so torn, I want to enjoy life, I want to be happy about being sober, but I've so little will to go on.
Anyway, I had the chance to check in, thanks everyone for thinking of me. I hate being morose all the time. I'm a bit less agitated, although I did scream and swear at a fellow patient who was needling me. I can't believe the vitriol that came out of my mouth, I'm not usually like this. I feel completely unhinged, really, on this sober journey. I know I couldn't have kept drinking, I was driving drunk and blacking out.
I don't know when I will be able to go home, I get frightened about being alone, but I can't live in the bloody hospital. A girlfriend brought Tiki to board at the vet's, I hope he's ok. I've let so many people down, the bird too.
I hope everyone can keep plugging away, Ladybug, I'm glad your husband is supporting you. I told all the staff here about my drinking and the main psychiatrist, the inpatient doc says he doesn't think there is a connection between my stopping drinking and this crippling, chronic depression, but I don't know? It's seems like it to me. Anyway, I won't drink. I just wish there was some f2f support in my community that wasn't AA. I mean, why isn't there a group for sober socializing, or something like that. Go bowling, or lunch, with no "dating" connotations? Just have a joke, a laugh, like we do here, only in real life. I crave social connection, don't know how to find it at my age. I find AA meetings, well I have recently, altogether too "holy" and "heavy". I broke down at one and a lady gave me a scriptures thing which was kind of her to think of me, but it's just not me.
Well, enough rubbish from me.