I'm sorry, Cissy, that things are where they're at for you right now. It doesn't need to stay that way.
We cannot moderate successfully.
For us, there is that moment between "the want" and "the act." That's when you need to say "no more -- it's over."
It was so good to give up the battle. Just yesterday (or was it the day before?), I shared with someone else on SR that the act of surrender isn't a failure. To the contrary. It's like jumping off a sinking boat and climbing aboard a safe, secure vessel.