No need for a better answer. The truth is the best answer there is :-)
I understand the back and forth completely. I really wish I had some good advice for you. I feel similarly to you in that I'm so tired of the battle. I'm also utterly sick of the negative consequences of drinking, both physically and mentally/emotionally. That is what has made me most determined this time not to return to it. Just so sick of all the carnage; low self-esteem, being a bad partner and mother, not getting things done because I'm so worn out from drinking, supposedly 'having fun' but making an idiot of myself and not remembering half of it anyway. I think I've finally realised it's just not worth it anymore. I hope so. I don't want to return to that hellish treadmill.
We can support you on your sober run....it would be a pleasure (((Cissy)))