BixBees, there is a huge difference between swearing off drinking for good, for your own good as it turns out, and deciding to 'just drink socially and moderately'. The difference is what happens when you get a couple of beers in - the rational brain gets shoved out of the way to make elbow room for the AV so it can respond from its lower brain function. It's great - it gets to drink at will, say and do whatever the heck it pleases, when it pleases. Once this happens, you are well on your way to another blackout binge. We know how this always ends for people like you and me.
While sober, on the other hand, we can make that forever plan about continuing to use alcohol. We can quit drinking for good. And then we can get to work on our inner selves, just as other non-drinkers do. Or not. The point is we get to do whatever the heck we want now - we can create, we can make, we can do, we can hope, we can dream. We can live.
You can do it, BixBees505. You won't regret choosing to be sober for good. Lots of support here, so keep posting, OK?