zoso77

After nearly 4 weeks of physical therapy, I've nearly regained all of my range of motion in my surgically repaired arm. And a good chunk of that 4 weeks has also been spent regaining my guitar chops. It's been slow going on that front, but I can hear me improve a little bit each time I pick up the instrument.

On the emotional front, however, not everything's been well.

When my mother passed two days after my surgery, we waited two weeks for the wake and funeral because one of my brothers was out of the country on vacation. It was, without question, the longest two weeks of my adult life. Being in a right angle cast, not being able to drive and live my normal day-to-day life wasn't exactly easy. Playing Grand Theft Auto V helped break the tedium, but it wasn't exactly nourishing for the soul -- there's only so many times you can blow stuff up and have it be funny.

What I didn't expect, however, was my reaction to a photo album that my sister-in-law threw together for the wake. The last photo in the album was a picture of my parents from when they were dating, from way back in the day. He was handsome, she was a complete, total knockout, and both of them were beaming. She was probably thinking she had a long life ahead with him. Sadly, that wasn't to be: he died when I was 10. He was only 53, she was 52. And I didn't fully appreciate how completely, totally unfair that was for her until I saw that photo of the two of them. Mom got porked. I don't know she got through it. I suppose she felt she didn't have a choice because she had me.

There's no guarantees about anything in this life, except that it will end. Mom's passing has made me become more aware of that clock and how fleeting our time is, and it's made me reevaluate what's truly important to me. After the experiences with my AXGF and her predecessor, I remain deeply skeptical about the viability and longevity of romantic love. On the other hand, I don't know how much longer I can deny myself the opportunity to prove myself wrong. It's been nearly 4 years since my AXGF did what she did. But while I no longer personalize it because she's both an addict and a Borderline, I can't deny that she left a mark. So it raises a somewhat existential question: do I want to die alone? Or do I put myself out there?

On the professional front, I'm looking to move into a different part of the business, specifically the systems engineering side. Three positions opened up in that directorate. They received 18 resumes and interviewed only 5 people. I was one of the 5. I'll find out next week if I get one of the spots. It would be a promotion and a raise, but more importantly, it would be a challenge, and my brain needs that at this point. There's only so many times I can calculate the electromagnetic coupling to system cables due to an EMP event and get excited about it. Time is fleeting.

Mostly, though, I feel a lot older than 46. Not in the physical sense; I look about 10-12 years younger than that these days. My soul feels older than 46. I'm emotionally tired. The fact that Autumn has come to New England does not help my mood. I like two seasons: Spring, and Summer. Autumn's the harbinger of Winter, and I loathe Winter.

On the plus side, my friends have been wonderful these past several months. I've always believed you find out who your friends are when the sh!t hits the fan, and in my case, I'm blessed because my friends stepped up during my convalescence and during my mourning.

Anyways...just sharing...