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Old 01-31-2003, 03:04 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Stephanie
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Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: The Basement
Posts: 724
And us codependents are the greatest at playing the part of the problem, we'll not only take the bait, we'll run with it, and then on top of it we buy into the fact that we are the problem. maybe not everyone but this is how I am. My H has the ability to get me so crazed with his ludicrous justifications that I literally start swearing, screaming, threatening divorce, slamming doors. I definitely turn into the crazed lunatic that he needs me to be. On top of all that he has me convinced that my behavior is so insane that I'm the problem and I start to believe it.

One time when we were dating H was so mean out of nowhere that I broke up with him. He had already relapsed but he wanted me out of the picture so he could openly drink. How convenient. I couldn't for the life of me figure out what I did.

Therein lyes the codependent addict dance that can go on for an eternity. Once we stop reacting they have no choice but to look at their behavior because there's definite problems but you haven't said a word. I did not try to stop reacting for my own sanity. I am not that strong. Only my vindictive side is strong enough to bite my tongue. Also knowing that it's all crapolla anyway, that helps too.

When we first saw the marriage counselor, my H started talking first about my anger problem. As the sessions progressed and we started talking about the reasons for my anger it became clear that he purposely tries to get my goat and he doesn't know why and that also he does it on a subconscious level. The counselor pointed out that it takes the focus off him. If you think about it the argument usually starts out with us being mad about something related to their using or addiction.

Ok one short story about reacting.....My H stayed up so late doing whatever one night that when the alarm rang in the morning he said he's not going into work. #1 he doesn't get paid when he doesn't go in and #2 it was like the second time that week.....well, let me tell you I went off. You can imagine the lovely things I was screaming at 4:30am and ripping the covers off him, calling him names, making him feel 2 feet tall. See at this point in his mind he now has to prove to me that he's not going to get in trouble it will work out fine. The struggle is with me and him now, not him and his job. If I step out of the way....he has to feel his own guilt or shame for the fact that he's screwing up his career because he stays up doing drugs. He didn't have to do any of the emotional work here at all. He didn't feel bad about not going to work, I was doing enough of that. Then he said he wasn't going to call in which sent me flying through the roof because he'll be fired for sure. As he acted like he didn't care I called in.

Like I said, he may be trying to push my buttons for his own
purposes, but as a codependent, I feed into it so well that it's not too hard to do. An addict is always looking for the easy way out and we hand it to him on a silver platter shaped like a welcome mat. Herein lyes the work. Why do they get to us so much? Why do we have to seek approval by everyone to know we're right?....even the person we are arguing against. I know I keep saying we. I mean me.....it just makes me feel not as crazy when you guys are with me.

Last edited by Stephanie; 01-31-2003 at 03:15 PM.
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