Started antibiotics yesterday for some kind of bacterial infection. I just keep getting slapped down, but this should be short-lived. I'm already feeling better. I just work too hard doing crap in which I find little or no value. Early retirement could happen in 2016, but a few more years would be wiser financially if I can hang on without losing my mind.
Seems we all kind of take two steps forward and one back or one forward and two back but all added up we move forward despite our circumstances and/or ourselves. It's all good. I'm weak and tired and drained. Felt so crappy yesterday I was tempted to fuzz out on what's left of the muscle relaxants and painkillers from my surgeries, but I took an Aleve and watched a tedious movie, instead.
Also finished Kevin Griffin's book about Buddhism and the Twelve Steps. I'm thinking that after I reach two years sober I'd like to start going to the local AA house and see about starting a mindfulness-based support group. I talked with one of the guys that run the place. Pretty interesting, actually. It used to be a bar but now it's an LLC that houses 12 Step meetings. He said he suspects the board would want to keep tight with 12 Step programs but could be amenable to a Buddhist or non-theist group if it doesn't stray too far from the 12 Step philosophy. I would have to go to some AA meetings, probably, before they would feel comfortable with me starting something new or different.
I'm thinking a mindfulness-based recovery supplement to the 12 Step groups. I could teach/lead basics of meditation practice and we could follow Noah Levine's model and/or something like Griffin's suggestions in his book. Both suggest beginning with a short introduction and 20 minutes of meditation, and then we could do a short dharma/12 Step/study/reading focused on themes like mindfulness/Buddhist philosophy, non-theist interpretations of 12 Steps, and such, and I can think of lots of readings from the many books I've read over the years, especially in the past couple since I got sober.
I think it would help a lot of people, including me. Non-theists (or atheists or agnostics) could have a weekly meeting where they feel honored, folks would learn some mindfulness practices, and I could start developing a sangha or community where I feel more comfortable. Like the mindfulness gurus out there, I would not emphasize Buddhism, but would draw from texts that focus on meditation and mindfulness from a practical and neuro-scientific perspective. That is, unless it becomes clear that people who show up to the group are largely Buddhist-leaning.
Anyway, I'm just thinking out loud. Assuming I make it sober through Christmas, I feel like it's time for me to serve and to live more authentically doing it. I'm sick of hiding and living a double life. I'm to the point where I don't much care what people think and I don't much care what my supervisors at work think, and I don't much believe I would suffer any consequences as far as work and income goes. Plus, it's possible I could make a real difference. If not for my health issues, my work performance would be improved since sobriety because my attitude tends to be much better and my head is clearer.
We'll see. I have a few months to think about it. I'd like to put the physical and psychological struggles of 2015 behind me and start fresh - sooner rather than later. Sometimes I wonder why I feel I need two years, except that I know sometimes addicts get put on this two or three year kind of probationary period if they miss work for detox/recovery purposes. I didn't go that route. I detoxed during vacation time, never used my insurance for counseling (didn't get counseling), and to my knowledge nobody even knew I had a problem. I just don't want things to get too weird right before I qualify for a pension. I could stay stealth until I reach that date, but it seems so long, and for all I know my colleagues and supervisors will be accepting and I may gain some respect for being more open and authentic. It's a risk. People are kind of unpredictable...