Originally Posted by
FireSprite 
I totally agree with this. I think it's one of those questions without an answer because the truth is that even after my spouse chose recovery, there is no guarantee in life that he will never relapse. That's the reality I have to live with & consider. I can't possibly know what my reaction will fully be at the point if he were to relapse. In some ways I feel like the longer he goes without relapsing, the harder it will be if he does because it also means a longer period of my rebuilt trust destroyed. Will the details of the relapse matter? If he slips & has 1 beer, 1 day will I somehow find that more acceptable than if he went on a bender that lasted many months? But then, destoyed trust is destroyed trust & to what degree may not matter. If relapse occurs, will he even choose sobriety again?
But most importantly, if this fictional relapse comes about, where will I be in MY recovery process? I have to believe that if he were to relapse at this point, my reaction would be different now based on my growth/changes over this time as well. I can't control whether he chooses to drink, but I can control my reaction to it as well as the boundaries for what I find acceptable.
So I can say this: Yes, right now, my partner has chosen recovery & we have been able to work hard to stay together & salvage our marriage because we were both willing to work hard at it & still valued & loved each other despite all the BS. SO FAR ..... he has only been sober for 18 months. I cannot know what tomorrow or next year bring... but SO FAR, we are making it work & rebuilding.
I forgot I ever participated in this thread, but since it was bumped I'll update my own situation:
RAH did relapse later that year, I believe it was Oct 2013. I know there are a couple threads in my posting history with all the fun details.
I was absolutely correct when I said in the above quote that for me, the most important factor in his relapse was where I was at in MY recovery.
When it came down to it - that's what REALLY mattered. THAT'S what carried me through, helped me stay calm & steady, especially for DD. I proved a lot to myself about what I'm really capable of.
I could have literally never predicted how/when/where/why his relapse would occur or expected it to be about much more than the amount of alcohol involved or number of days off drinking. I was SO grateful that I had not wasted time worrying over those details, future tripping over stuff I
would be proven wrong about.
Yes, his relapse was shockingly short in terms of alcohol volume/frequency. His consequences were enormous because *this* time he managed to cross the line to DUI. For us, it all came down to behaviors. What his relapse REALLY showed me was that he'd been fooling both of us for 2 yrs - that being sober in & of itself doesn't change behaviors. He didn't really commit to recovery until his relapse, IMO.... that's when he started to do the WORK.
On the other hand *I* was basking in the glow of having done the work on my side of the street. I had Plan B, I managed to move life forward with very few missed beats. I didn't react as much - skipping all that excess adrenaline rush/crash. I slept at night. I laughed with friends. I demonstrated for DD how we don't have to "all fall down" just because dad made some poor decisions. Life went on for us while he ran in circles figuring his own way out of his own mess.