Yeah - big difference between judgment & recognizing red flag behavior/laying down boundaries. At that level, it's just critical thinking in action.
When it comes down to judging a
person, and not just an individual situation, I try to look at the whole picture. If I don't have the full picture because I don't know the person that well, I realize I'm only judging them based on a piece of who they are; just this part that I see. And, yeah, sometimes that's ok. Not every situation warrants deep thought & introspection.
Example - one of my BFF's is a slob. Her house is always cluttered, sometimes downright dirty with dishes & stuff like that left too long. Never any organization, she is forever losing things & finding them months & months later. Inside & out - her yard is no better, her garage is scary. She struggles with a lot of major life decisions & her dual-diagnosis RAH.
But she's probably the most considerate, generous person I've ever known. She's the most loyal friend & employee & as a kindergarten teacher, she's completely amazing. She will adopt, donate, help out, volunteer & show up for anyone, anytime. She is forgiving & understands acceptance of others as such a natural state that I need to take notes on how casually she manages to see others that way.
She's more than just her uncluttered disaster zone of a home
, and I choose to never visit her AT her home - we go out, she comes to my place. When her lifestyle gets to her periodically I chuckle & if it goes on & on for some reason, I remind her it's her decision to live the way she does & that I don't want to talk about it anymore.
Like red, I've drawn some important boundaries with friends of all types since working my own recovery. I've lost many friends & it makes me sad sometimes - but the ones that stayed & were willing to respect my boundaries, are Pure Gold.